


you have invented a new kind of stupid

by fillertexted



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff, Humor, IKEA, M/M, technically theyre in college but its only mentioned in like 3 sentences so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 07:52:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6946423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fillertexted/pseuds/fillertexted
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>IKEA is notorious for having rather unhelpful instructions, and the two of the most hotheaded and stubborn students attempt to build a desk. Emphasis on the 'attempt' part.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you have invented a new kind of stupid

**Author's Note:**

> aham is a lil douche but tjeffs also goads him a bit so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> cliche af ending bc why not my man??

"The fuck you mean, 'You're the little cartoon guy who fucked up'? We haven't even started!"

"I'm just calling it like I see it, Hamilton. We both know your track record."

"Fuck you!"

Maybe IKEA wasn't the best idea. Hell, they hadn't even gotten past the first page and Jefferson had already slung an insult his way. Alexander huffed, flipping to the next page of the instructions with more for than strictly necessary, paper making a quiet crinkling noise in protest. Fuck whatever Jefferson says.

"Right, so, find the base planks."

"What do they look like?"

"What the fuck do you _think_ they look like? Long wooden sticks, dumbass."

"Just making sure, you certainly can't tell the difference between things. Or people."

"Shut the hell your mouth, Jefferson."

Cue exasperated eye roll from Jefferson, and a sudden pain from Jefferson shoving aforementioned planks directly into his thighs. Also cue a sound he would later deny as a squeak, and two very impassioned middle fingers thrusted towards Jefferson.

Alexander dragged the boards closer to himself, glaring at the instructions. Who the fuck decided it was a good idea to have furniture instructions with no words? A picture is worth one thousand words his ass. He resisted the urge to slam his head into the wall next to him and drew in a sharp breath, straightening up and increasing his already piercing glare tenfold. Jefferson snickered at the display.

"My my Hamilton, having fun there?"

"You wish you were having as much fun as I am right now, Jefferson. I'm having a goddamn ball over here. Gimme the weird af screws."

"Did you just say 'af' out loud? Holy shit, Hamilton, you are embarrassing."

"Just hand me the damn screws."

"Aren't they the 'weird af' screws?"

Alexander inhaled sharply through his nose, mouth taut. He brought his clasped hands up towards his nose before letting them fall again, resting at his mouth, fingers pointed towards Jefferson. It was basically the universal sign for 'you are so fucking stupid it is literally impossible to articulate the level of stupidity you hold within you' and irritated eyes met amused ones.

"Hand me the fucking screws or I swear to every fucking God out there you will find your academic career become nonexistent."

Jefferson just rolled his eyes before lazily stretching over the piles of wood surrounding them to grab the bag of assorted screws. He slowly pawed through them while Alexander grounded his teeth in an attempt to not snap, a feat he was sure he wouldn't be able to handle much more. Jefferson loosely held up a screw that was _definitely_ not the one they needed, an overly innocent look on his face.

"Is this the one we need?"

Well, at least his calm lasted for a good ten seconds. "You must be out of your goddamn _mind_ if you think that's the screw we need. That's a normal shitty screw! I need the ones with fucking cylinders connected to them, they're fancy Jew nails!"

"Did you just quote Bojack Horseman at me?"

"Does it fucking matter?"

"My dear Hamilton, I had no idea you were a furry fuck."

At this point, Alexander made a noise that was half scream half sob. He was unbelievably frustrated and just wanted the desk to be done. IKEA furniture was shitty enough without a purposefully difficult partner.

So, he sucked in a quick steadying breath and resisted the urge to yell, but his voice was strained and still overly loud. "Fuck it, you can build the desk. I'm out, don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't think about me."

He stood, shoving the planks away from his legs, storming out of the room and slamming the door behind him. Jefferson could handle a desk. Probably. Hopefully.

Who was he kidding, Jefferson could most definitely not handle building a desk. He stopped not even ten feet away. On one hand, it would be immensely satisfying to watch Jefferson struggle to even hold a screwdriver. On the other, if Alexander didn't step in, they could very well somehow end up with a new wardrobe instead of desk. He was damned if he did, damned if he didn't. He stomped back to the door, flinging it open and allowing it to collide loudly with the wall, causing tremors and a _smack_.

"Alright, you piece of literal human garbage, we are going to sit the fuck down, look at the instructions, and build this desk. _You_ will not be an asshole. _I_ will not yell at you."

Except, there was Jefferson, tall frame bent over the planks he had unceremoniously shoved into Alexander's thighs, carefully inserting the screws. He barely glanced up when he responded."Welcome back. So quick, too."

"What did I miss?"

Jefferson lifted the screwdriver that was in his hand, loftily twirling it near his head, bored expression on his face. "Oh, you know, this and that. Are you going to help?"

Alexander blinked. When the hell did Jefferson even begin to learn how to put together furniture? The guy was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and had never worked a day in his life. What the fuck. He was startled when Jefferson spoke again.

"You know, I know I'm irresistible, but staring at me isn't helpful. What did you say? 'Sit the fuck down, look at the instructions, and build this desk'? You should probably live up to your word, Hamilton." At this, he pointedly patted the carpet next to him.

A mumbled 'fuck you', and Alexander warily sat down, legs tucked underneath him. He didn't balk at the close proximity, because he was a motherfucking adult, and motherfucking adults don't blush when they sat near their crush. Because that's a waste of time and energy. Alexander refused to acknowledge how his whole left side felt like was on fire, leaving his right side ice cold. Fuck Jefferson.

"Alright, we need the longer dowels. Can you get them for me?"

A few seconds of unattractive stretching later, Alexander placed half the dowels in Jefferson's hand, keeping four for himself. He made a mental note at the way Jefferson's gaze snapped forwards when Alexander had twisted back around. It was interesting.

"Do you want to put some wood glue on these? It's not necessary, but it'll mean better support."

"Unless you're planning on some really kinky and rough office sex, I think the dowels themselves will suffice. It's not like the drawers will need to support over a hundred pounds, right?" And dear lord was making that comment satisfying, because though he had a dark complexion, Alexander could tell Jefferson was blushing wildly. One point for him. Jefferson cleared his throat uncomfortably, and avoided Alexander's eyes.

"Okay, uh, no glue, then. Just put them where they need to go." It didn't escape Alexander's notice the way he avoided saying hole. Adorable.

"Can't even say hole? What are you, a virgin?"

Jefferson tensed. "Hamilton. We are building a _desk_. Please keep whatever fucked up innuendos you know to yourself, _please_."

Alexander snickered, and placed the dowels into the holes, resisting the strong urge to look at Jefferson while slamming a dowel in and out, wiggling his eyebrows at an alarming speed. They really needed to finish this desk sooner than later. Jefferson flipped to the next page.

"We need the small wooden planks. They have a hole on the inside."

Alexander gave him a sloppy salute, and sprawled across the floor, batting at the planks at his fingertips. He shoved them into Jefferson's thighs, and smirked at his yelp. Served the asshole right.

"Jesus, Hamilton, don't impale me with wood."

"Jefferson, you do not know just how many innuendos I could make from that glorious sentence you just said."

"I have an idea," he retorted stiffly, grabbing the boards and practically slamming them on with enough force that Alexander was surprised the wood didn't crack. He was silent for a few moments, observing as Jefferson proceeded to slam all four on.

"The first one is backwards."

"Fuck!"

Jefferson ripped the board off, and turned it over, before slamming it back down. Alexander was getting a tad concerned.

"Cam locks. Get me the cam locks."

Alexander wordlessly handed them over, leaning back on his hands. By his rigid posture and jerky movements, he could tell Jefferson was super uncomfortable with the sex jokes. A stab of guilt hit his heart, and he exhaled a little shakily, watching as Jefferson tightened the locks.

"Guess you were right to compare me to the picture of the guy who fucked up, huh?"

Jefferson snorted, and lost some of his stiffness. "Of course I was right, Hamilton, you're a certified human disaster."

"Actually, I think Burr holds that title."

"True. But you do fuck up a lot."

"You got me there."

It was the closest to an apology Jefferson was going to get, and the closest to forgiveness Alexander was going to get. It somehow worked. Alexander idly thought about the next time he could swing by a coffee shop to buy Jefferson something.

"We need the little grooved pieces."

"Don't mess up which way they go."

"I'm not you, Hamilton, don't insult me."

Alexander just rolled his eyes, though it was fond. He let Jefferson deal with the placement of the pieces, looking ahead in the instructions. His face paled. Oh, shit.

"Hey, so there's a little bit of a problem?" Alexander's voice pitched up at the end, causing Jefferson to look up from where he was screwing in the grooved boards. "Yeah, so, remember when I stormed out a couple of minutes ago?"

"How could I? You were nearly shaking with rage and slammed the door twice."

"Ha, yeah, funny story? I may have been stomping, and may have stomped over the unassembled pieces? And snapped one in half?"

"You did _what_."

Alexander laughed nervously, gaze darting from instructions to Jefferson's disbelieving face to the broken board in question. He glanced at Jefferson just in time to see the disbelief meld into horrified sadness. Then anger. And then he whipped his gaze back onto Alexander. He smiled weakly.

"Fuck IKEA, right?"

" _Alexander_."

And yeah, it was probably a bit fucked up to be a bit turned on when Jefferson looked to be about a second away from throttling him, but jesus, the way he said his named sent shivers down his spine. He smiled again, apologetic.

"Can you fix it?"

"I'm not Bob the fucking Builder, Hamilton."

"That's because you're Tom the Builder. You hide fucking carpentry skills from people and then build half an IKEA desk in ten minutes."

"Hamilton, for the love of all things holy, _shut the hell up_."

Alexander sighed. "So I guess there's no salvaging this?"

Jefferson frowned at the piece in question, nudging the broken board together slightly before turning to face Alexander. A look of nervousness fluttered on his face before he tamped it down, a cool smirk settling into place.

"There's one way to salvage it."

And then Jefferson's lips were on his and Alexander swore he was soaring. Soft and slightly dry, Jefferson's lips were searing into his own, and Alexander felt his concentration pinpoint. His mind skidded to a halt, short circuiting and blank. For just a moment, a yellow sky in the treacherous waters of his mind. And then they were gone.

His eyes snapped open (when had they closed?) and he gazed in bewilderment at Jefferson. Jefferson, who just kissed him. Jefferson, who was also looking at him in bewilderment. Alexander subconsciously raised his fingertips to his lips, a poor attempt to recreate the fire that had been there. He felt he was in a daze, and started when Jefferson quickly stood up.

"Wait!"

Somehow, Alexander managed to both stand and grab Jefferson's wrist, clutching it with a desperate energy. Time felt like a poorly thought out concept. His hand felt like it was burning.

"Wait," he said again, quieter, "Jefferson. Why did you kiss me?"

Jefferson stubbornly kept his gaze on his wrist, twisting slightly. Alexander clutched him harder. He winced. Alexander softened his grip.

"Can I not just kiss you, Hamilton? Nearly everyone on campus already has."

"Don't try and deflect this, Jefferson. I'll be okay with whatever you say. Why did you kiss me?"

"Because, Hamilton, I have a schoolboy crush on you. You happy with that?"

Alexander blinked. Dropped the death grip he had on Jefferson's wrist. Holy shit.

"Well, that's great news, because I have a schoolboy crush on you, too. Can I kiss you again?"

"What?"

"I need some lovin' over here, Jefferson. Please reconnect your lips with mine so we can both have a pleasurable experience. If you want to, that is."

"Fuck yeah, I do. Holy shit."

And then their lips collided and the heat came back, warming him completely. He sighed a breath onto Jefferson's lips, and felt him smile in return. After what felt like hours, they both pulled away.

"Want to check out the thrift store furniture?"

"Definitely."

**Author's Note:**

> i went to ikea so i could buy n build a bed and was /that/ an experience lmao, but its a nice loft bed called storå which feels surprisingly steady
> 
> theyre building a hemnes desk btw, it was the most complicated one i could find, and heres the [video](https://youtu.be/US4wFLey77Q) i used as a reference bc i could not for the life of me find the drawn instructions
> 
> hmu on tumblr: [fillertexted](http://fillertexted.tumblr.com)


End file.
